sparrow
Favoured Frenzy
Strangers were so appealing at first because it meant I could be unattached and in control. When real life is fucked, it's kinda natural to wish for escapism, some semblance of control somewhere.
What i later realised is, i didn't need sex. And sex without romance felt dry, sad, regretful. Being admired wasn't enough, what I needed was the warmth in somebody's gaze, affectionate words -- not merely perversion.
The only few people i vividly remember now is those who could emote, feelings of intimacy in me.
The first encounter i almost fell in love with. I felt younger to him, like a child. So I looked upto him, seeked him out for advice, admired his emotional range and flair for poetry. I got deliriously happy, flirty, safe, protected, jealous, possessive, tremendously hurt by him. Ironically also some of the best memories here and a serial lesson on how bad misplaced trust could hurt.
What scares me most is how blindly yearning for affection makes me prone to being emotionally attuned in unsafe environments...living in self neglect and unhealed patterns shitty parenting has passed down.
content with surviving on breadcrumbs and naming it faith.
The next encounter healed me in ways i couldn't tell him. He grew on me slowly but i never learned how to trust again. Precious lil baby, the playful energy of someone much younger than I. I felt in control with him and more stable, almost secure love. I adored him, truly. I was inclined to be responsible at times, for his feelings, almost protective like a lioness to her cub sometimes. Things got messy through no fault of our own, we both simply acted our age and grew apart. I hope this gives him the closure he deserves. (Fyi, you're more mature and steady headed than the idiot i mentioned as encounter 1)
In real time, more impactful experiences await in the future. I can't wait for us to Cntl + Z all of this and find something more meaningful to life. In the meantime, i remain grateful to the temporary relief people who touch and go briefly has left impressions upon.
Footnote - what i meant is say is, where there is intimacy there is great sex
What i later realised is, i didn't need sex. And sex without romance felt dry, sad, regretful. Being admired wasn't enough, what I needed was the warmth in somebody's gaze, affectionate words -- not merely perversion.
The only few people i vividly remember now is those who could emote, feelings of intimacy in me.
The first encounter i almost fell in love with. I felt younger to him, like a child. So I looked upto him, seeked him out for advice, admired his emotional range and flair for poetry. I got deliriously happy, flirty, safe, protected, jealous, possessive, tremendously hurt by him. Ironically also some of the best memories here and a serial lesson on how bad misplaced trust could hurt.
What scares me most is how blindly yearning for affection makes me prone to being emotionally attuned in unsafe environments...living in self neglect and unhealed patterns shitty parenting has passed down.
content with surviving on breadcrumbs and naming it faith.
The next encounter healed me in ways i couldn't tell him. He grew on me slowly but i never learned how to trust again. Precious lil baby, the playful energy of someone much younger than I. I felt in control with him and more stable, almost secure love. I adored him, truly. I was inclined to be responsible at times, for his feelings, almost protective like a lioness to her cub sometimes. Things got messy through no fault of our own, we both simply acted our age and grew apart. I hope this gives him the closure he deserves. (Fyi, you're more mature and steady headed than the idiot i mentioned as encounter 1)
In real time, more impactful experiences await in the future. I can't wait for us to Cntl + Z all of this and find something more meaningful to life. In the meantime, i remain grateful to the temporary relief people who touch and go briefly has left impressions upon.
Footnote - what i meant is say is, where there is intimacy there is great sex
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