More strange than Lust
The memories in me stirred something.
A quiet flicker,
a thought about the timeline of all the relationships,
that ever existed here.
Some ended in breakups.
Some ended in something soft,
a beautiful forever, maybe.
But the number is limited,
while the dramas?
Unlimited.
I remember the first feeling I ever had for someone.
He seemed…
the most eligible sexter on this site, (lol)
that’s what I thought, at first.
I mistook feelings for healing,
used affection as an anchor
to pull myself out of loneliness.
A common craving here,
for those of us who come broken,
half-wanting company,
half-wanting escape.
But as days passed,
what I received
wasn't love.
It was a slap of toxicity.
I lost it.
The feelings, the illusion.
I began to hate him.
And then,
another person came.
A new name, a new promise.
Again, it repeated:
a mutual spark,
a mirrored longing.
But time revealed the truth,
he dumped me.
Furious,
I threw myself into another man’s arms.
But this time,
it was a feeling-less me
and an emotional him.
I did the dumping.
It went on like that.
Again.
And again.
I’ve loved, if I dare call it that,
ten or more men.
But no,
it wasn’t love.
It was something stranger than lust.
A mimicry of need.
I thought they completed me,
but they didn’t.
I thought I couldn’t survive
without their presence,
but I did.
Not gracefully,
not without cracks,
but I did.
And maybe that’s enough for now.
~Jaanu
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To the relationships that existed here, and to those I once related with, thank you. You all taught me more than I realized. To every temporary shore I drifted to - thank you for the feelings we shared. You left me emotionally confused… but stronger.
Thanks for reading.
