Jaanuu
Favoured Frenzy
Perhaps the tragedy of being human is that we are forever reaching for distant stars while forgetting the moonlight resting quietly upon our hands. We spend lifetimes thirsting for rivers that belong to other horizons, while the water meant for us waits patiently beside our feet. Desire is a strange traveler. It teaches us to chase what escapes us and overlook what chooses to stay.
For the longest time, I called myself lonely. But loneliness was never the absence of people. It was the absence of a particular warmth. A particular voice. A particular pair of eyes I wished would linger a little longer on my soul. I built walls and called them protection. I locked myself inside cages and called them freedom. I convinced myself as I'm meant to be solitary, untouchable, and unloved.
Yet all along, there was someone standing outside those walls with flowers in his hands, waiting not to rescue me, but simply to stay. I told myself a thousand stories about why I did not deserve his love.
That he would someday find someone softer. Someone easier. Someone whose heart was not stitched together from storms and unfinished prayers. I believed love was a reward given only to those who had earned it.
But now I think love is something else entirely. Perhaps love is not about deserving. Perhaps it is about two souls looking at each other and deciding, despite every fracture and flaw, "I choose you. I choose to stay." To stay through the silences. To stay through the fears. To stay through the seasons when the flowers bloom and through the seasons when every leaf abandons the branch.
I know I am not easy to hold. Someone once said loving me is like standing beside a volcano and wrapping your arms around it. There is truth in that. I am a sky that changes its weather without warning. A sea carrying forgotten shipwrecks beneath its surface. A library full of pages torn by its own hands. I am often my own disaster. And because I know the weight of my chaos, I was terrified of placing it upon someone else's shoulders.
|| I feared hurting you.
I feared losing the friendship that felt like home.
I feared that one careless movement of my heart would shatter the very thing I treasured most. ||
But beneath all those fears lived another truth. A quieter truth. I wanted to be loved. Not because I needed saving. Not because I wanted someone to complete me. But because every weary soul longs for a place where it can finally set down its armor. I wanted someone who would scold me when I created storms out of sunlight. Someone who would hold me through my anger and my tears. Someone who would listen to my endless wandering thoughts and allow me to listen to theirs. Someone who would sit beside my darkness without demanding that it become light.
And when my pride loosened its grip, when my fears grew tired, when my insecurities stopped whispering their old lies, I found myself thinking of you. I found myself imagining a future where your hand remained within reach of mine. I found myself wondering what it would feel like to stop running. To stop doubting. To simply love. I do not know whether this path leads to joy or heartbreak. I do not know what tomorrow intends to write about us.
|| Perhaps we are a story destined to become poetry. Perhaps we are poetry destined to become a story. ||
I do not know. But if fate chooses to scatter us across different skies someday, I have only one request. Please do not become a stranger. Please do not let hatred grow where kindness once bloomed. Because whatever happens, there will always be a corner of my heart where your name rests gently. A place built from gratitude. For every conversation. For every moment you listened when the world felt too loud. For every kindness you gave without asking for anything in return. For every piece of unconditional love that found me when I was busy convincing myself I was unlovable.
I do not know whether I will ever love as beautifully as you do. I do not know whether I can become the person you deserve. I do not know whether my hands will ever learn the language of tenderness as fluently as yours. But I know this, now.
If love is a journey through uncertain weather, then I wish to walk beside you.
For a long time.
A very long time.
For as long as our footsteps choose the same road.
Until the universe grows tired of counting our days.
Until our stories become constellations.
Until wherever this fragile, beautiful thing takes us.
So let me love you.
Not as the world teaches love.
Not as possession.
Not as certainty.
But as the sea loves the shore.
Returning again and again,
despite knowing it can never hold it forever.
As the moon loves the ocean.
Touching it from a distance, yet moving entire tides with its presence.
As the rain loves the earth.
Falling without promise, yet leaving behind life wherever it lands.
Let me love you like that. Quietly. Endlessly.
With wonder. With gratitude.
With every broken and beautiful piece of my heart.
With love,
Always, your Jaanu.
For the longest time, I called myself lonely. But loneliness was never the absence of people. It was the absence of a particular warmth. A particular voice. A particular pair of eyes I wished would linger a little longer on my soul. I built walls and called them protection. I locked myself inside cages and called them freedom. I convinced myself as I'm meant to be solitary, untouchable, and unloved.
Yet all along, there was someone standing outside those walls with flowers in his hands, waiting not to rescue me, but simply to stay. I told myself a thousand stories about why I did not deserve his love.
That he would someday find someone softer. Someone easier. Someone whose heart was not stitched together from storms and unfinished prayers. I believed love was a reward given only to those who had earned it.
But now I think love is something else entirely. Perhaps love is not about deserving. Perhaps it is about two souls looking at each other and deciding, despite every fracture and flaw, "I choose you. I choose to stay." To stay through the silences. To stay through the fears. To stay through the seasons when the flowers bloom and through the seasons when every leaf abandons the branch.
I know I am not easy to hold. Someone once said loving me is like standing beside a volcano and wrapping your arms around it. There is truth in that. I am a sky that changes its weather without warning. A sea carrying forgotten shipwrecks beneath its surface. A library full of pages torn by its own hands. I am often my own disaster. And because I know the weight of my chaos, I was terrified of placing it upon someone else's shoulders.
|| I feared hurting you.
I feared losing the friendship that felt like home.
I feared that one careless movement of my heart would shatter the very thing I treasured most. ||
But beneath all those fears lived another truth. A quieter truth. I wanted to be loved. Not because I needed saving. Not because I wanted someone to complete me. But because every weary soul longs for a place where it can finally set down its armor. I wanted someone who would scold me when I created storms out of sunlight. Someone who would hold me through my anger and my tears. Someone who would listen to my endless wandering thoughts and allow me to listen to theirs. Someone who would sit beside my darkness without demanding that it become light.
And when my pride loosened its grip, when my fears grew tired, when my insecurities stopped whispering their old lies, I found myself thinking of you. I found myself imagining a future where your hand remained within reach of mine. I found myself wondering what it would feel like to stop running. To stop doubting. To simply love. I do not know whether this path leads to joy or heartbreak. I do not know what tomorrow intends to write about us.
|| Perhaps we are a story destined to become poetry. Perhaps we are poetry destined to become a story. ||
I do not know. But if fate chooses to scatter us across different skies someday, I have only one request. Please do not become a stranger. Please do not let hatred grow where kindness once bloomed. Because whatever happens, there will always be a corner of my heart where your name rests gently. A place built from gratitude. For every conversation. For every moment you listened when the world felt too loud. For every kindness you gave without asking for anything in return. For every piece of unconditional love that found me when I was busy convincing myself I was unlovable.
I do not know whether I will ever love as beautifully as you do. I do not know whether I can become the person you deserve. I do not know whether my hands will ever learn the language of tenderness as fluently as yours. But I know this, now.
If love is a journey through uncertain weather, then I wish to walk beside you.
For a long time.
A very long time.
For as long as our footsteps choose the same road.
Until the universe grows tired of counting our days.
Until our stories become constellations.
Until wherever this fragile, beautiful thing takes us.
So let me love you.
Not as the world teaches love.
Not as possession.
Not as certainty.
But as the sea loves the shore.
Returning again and again,
despite knowing it can never hold it forever.
As the moon loves the ocean.
Touching it from a distance, yet moving entire tides with its presence.
As the rain loves the earth.
Falling without promise, yet leaving behind life wherever it lands.
Let me love you like that. Quietly. Endlessly.
With wonder. With gratitude.
With every broken and beautiful piece of my heart.
With love,
Always, your Jaanu.
ഞാൻ നനഞ്ഞ മഴകളിൽ ഒക്കെ നീ എന്തിന് കുളിരായി വന്നു : )
എന്നെ കേട്ടിരുന്ന രാവുകളിൽ അവനെനിക്ക് സമ്മാനിച്ച പനിനീർ പൂക്കളാൽ ചുവന്ന കിനാവുകൾക്ക്, രക്തത്തിന്റെ ഗന്ധമുണ്ടായിരുന്നു..
