Jaanuu
Favoured Frenzy
Part 06 - Sanctum :- The one I kept untouched.
(Disclaimer: This part holds pieces that are deeply personal, layered with truth and tenderness. It isn’t meant to judge or justify, only to remember and reflect. These are my words, my emotions, and my way of processing what once was. Please read it with care and without assumptions.)
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There’s someone I’ve kept aside, someone I didn’t mention in the earlier parts of my memories, because maybe he deserved his own space. He was there from the beginning, through every moment, until I started writing all of this. He was the always. And for reasons I can’t fully explain, I always stopped myself from writing about him. Like I’ve told him before, what we had or what he meant to me can’t be explained. It’s something beyond words.
I don’t remember exactly when we started chatting. It began casually. I still remember the display picture he used to put, something I really liked, ahem. We grew closer after we started chatting. And truthfully, I never had a crush on him, never any other feelings. I just enjoyed his company. He made me happy. Then one day, he said he wanted a break. I didn’t want him to go, so I stopped him.
Looking back, I don’t know if that was my immaturity or something else, but I couldn’t let him go. From there, I think our bond grew deeper and stronger. All the silly display pictures, the main zozo drama, it happened, it became our thing.
But like most, ours didn’t go the way we hoped. There was no happy ending. I went offline for a while, making it clear nothing would ever happen between us. When I came back, we had our first call. I still remember that call as one of the most beautiful memories I’ve ever had here. I wasn’t the type to talk much, but he was like a radio, someone who made everyone comfortable just by being himself. I never felt that kind of comfort with anyone else. I was happy. Deeply, truly happy.
That same day, we had a fight. I still blame him for what happened, but I also acknowledge my own faults. I did things I shouldn’t have. I even put something on my profile blaming him, which he still teases me for. Yet somehow, he came back. We happened again, knowing all too well that it wouldn’t last. We fought often, even over small things. But I’ll give him credit, he kept accepting me, no matter what I did.
And here’s where I think I went wrong. I kept looking elsewhere instead of staying with him. I convinced myself we would never work, so I hurt him. I know I did. Every time he wanted to be with me, I was with someone else. And when I finally wanted him, he was still there, waiting. That hurts. Because I know what I did. And I regret it.
People said all kinds of things about him, that he’s this, that he’s that. But none of that mattered to me. I could only see him the way he saw me. I knew how he treated me. I knew how he liked me, maybe even loved me. I trusted him. Still do. He knows that better than anyone else.
I’m not someone who shows my most vulnerable side easily. But with him, it came out naturally. He saw me at my lowest. And in his own way, knowingly or unknowingly, he helped me. He healed me. I know I wasn’t there for him. I know I was selfish. But when his warmth faded, even for a few days, I understood what I had been ignoring all along.
He was right. I am bad at conversations. I can write pages and pages, but I can’t hold a ten-minute call. I’m bad at relationships. Bad at being the person someone expects me to be. But even through all the silence and distance, it was only him that whispered in my mind.
He stayed in my thoughts. Past Zozo. Past the screen. He was the only one. And maybe that was the truth. Or maybe it wasn’t.
Ihsane, thank you for everything. For being there. For making me understand things I hadn’t understood before. For reminding me that this is still a virtual world. And I’m sorry. For everything I did. For everything I didn’t do. For all the ways I failed you. @Ihsan
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(Note: This one wasn’t easy to write. Some memories live so close to the skin that even touching them feels like bleeding. But this had to be written. Not for closure, not for explanation, but because certain people leave marks too deep to ignore. So if you ever read this, know that this part was yours. Entirely, silently, and always. To be continued.)
With love,
Jaanu!