Ashu I spent a solid minute trying to figure out how to respond to this without getting banned from polite society. First of all, thank you for the birthday message. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with you?
For the sake of everyone else's eyes, I'm officially declaring 70% of your message classified information. Future forum scrollers do not need access to this level of craziness. But honestly, reading this made me smile.
You remember when we first met, and yeah... I really was that person who expected everyone to leave eventually. Looking back now, it's kind of crazy how many times you've had to listen to my overthinking and then aggressively shake me into using common sense.
Somehow, beneath all your threats, teasing, unhinged quotes, and whatever madness that causes you to type things like
"Fuck the FUCKERs before they Fuck your Fucking mind" lies an actual friend who cares more than he likes to admit.And you're right about one thing: life is so much bigger than the people who try to drag us down. Whenever I get stuck focusing on the wrong things, friends like you remind me to look at everything I already have—the people who stayed, the memories we've made, and the fact that there are still plenty of reasons to laugh.So thank you for sticking around and proving younger me wrong.

Also, I'd like to formally apologize for making you endure all the depressing "everyone leaves me" speeches back then. That must have been exhausting. You deserve compensation.
Unfortunately, the compensation will not be whatever weird disciplinary program you're proposing in the second half of this message. Please keep your hands, paddles, tables, and creative ideas to yourself.
Love you, you absolute menace. Thank you for always making me laugh, even when I don't want to. Now please behave yourself before I have to censor another birthday message for public safety